The words in this picture speak volumes about the people in my life or use to be in my life. From my oldest father to the youngest father. Then let’s not mention those so-called friends or the ones that have the same blood running through them as me which are called family. I can love and help others even when I didn’t have myself but where did that get me🤔?
I can answer that it got me to the Days Inn motel in Hampton, VA miles from my original state of CT. I trusted and had faith in the wrong people I guess you can say. I should have known better but honestly, I didn’t expect them to turn their backs on me and my children. I should of though because these are my minions my responsibilities and they came from me. So why would the next person or even their fathers sacrifice anything for them when they are still in the selfish stage.
But anyways I am getting sidetracked here. I had faith and trusted my daughter’s father to do as we had planned while I was pregnant. I mean we had a plan so things should of went smooth. I worked to maintain the current bills along with food etc. He was to back the money he maid working his under the table security job so that we could move into our own place before the baby came. Imagine my surprise a month before my C-section is scheduled when I look in the box that he claims had the money saved to find it empty. No money at all. I was heartbroken I did not want my baby to come into this world to stay where we were. The environment was toxic and it was mentally breaking me. But I had no other choice than to be ok with it since he did not keep his word not even for his child but I had kept mine. I lost faith in him at that moment because he let me and my children down. What was the point of having a plan?
Then my own mother is another one that had let me down all my life on and off. Hell, my PTSD comes from her and my childhood we can spend a few hours on this topic alone but we won’t go there maybe another time when I’m ready to open that door. She decided to dislike my youngest daughters father for her own reasons which are ok she was entitled to her feelings and opinions. She wasn’t entitled to mentally abuse my daughter about my boyfriend or myself. She was not entitled to mentally abuse my son and create more insecurities within him. She was not entitled to call DCF on me for being a parent. She was not entitled to call animal control and try to take away my daughters dogs that at the moment we’re keeping her somewhat sane in the hell of a house my mother called home. She was not entitled to mentally abuse me or allow her friends to mentally abuse me or my children. She was not entitled to try to fight me while I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. The list goes on but I think you get the point I am trying to make.
Moving on to my ”friend” that offered for the kids and me to come stay with her, her fiance and their baby until we got back on our feet. I decided not to take the offer at first because I did not want to take my newborn away from her father but life had other plans. I couldn’t stay at my mother’s house anymore my postpartum depression was getting worse. My suicidal thoughts were so extreme. They were winning along with my depression. No matter how much I tried to fight it nothing was working not even medicine. I looked into the shelters in my state but they were all booked and of course, DCF had nothing to help me with. My last hope of sanity was to take my ”friend” up on her offer. I used my last money and moved to Newport News, VA. Once we arrived my mental state was in a better place. I even started looking for jobs that I could work at home so that I can continue homeschooling my oldest while taking care of the baby as well. We arrived on August 30th. On December 9th a few days after my birthday and of course before Christmas, her fiance decides that she needed to choose between myself and him. Mind you we never argued had any issues but now we were on the street. We had nowhere to go but to an extended stay. She offered to pay half weekly to help since she kicked us out overnight. I still to this day do not understand how he expected me to find an apartment once we arrived with no income. But anyways she kept her word for one week. Leaving me to stress how was I going to pay every week. She left us to fend for ourselves not having a vehicle or knowing anyone around here. She pretty much stopped being a friend until she needed me to watch her daughter so the same person that kicked us out could now work. Being the person that I am I watched her daughter and when I say watched I had her baby for 3-5 days straights including overnight. She couldn’t handle getting up early with a 1-year-old. I didn’t judge I tried to keep my sanity I now had my 3 and her child in a room with nowhere to go. Mind you I was also training for my job that was set to start soon. When I sat and explained that I needed to either get paid or for her to keep her word of paying half weekly she decides she no longer needed my services and went mia once again. You may think I was wrong for charging but I was basically raising her child along with mine. Why was I able to be a mom and she wasn’t why should they have the opportunity to be kid-free when they put us out on the street on a rainy day. No, I’m sorry but my children were once again hurting because yet another person they called uncle and auntie let them down. No sir they could have had in-home childcare if they didn’t kick us out. So again I was let down when trusting another person.
My mental state was in jeopardy along with those of my children as well. Life was not being kind to us but those we had trusted were the ones to really let us down. I now place no faith in anyone except for God my faith in him will always remain. I just can’t when it comes to people. These were only a few examples of those that have let me down but who’s back I’ve always had until I said no more and walked away completely.
I just keep reminding myself every day we got this can’t lose faith in myself or we won’t make it to the next day!
Parenting with Mental Illness - Mom and Children 