Should I be held Responsible For The Non Stable Me?

My 1-year-old daughter’s father and I are not together due to a few reasons including our financial situation. I had a serious wanting to cut myself break down where it became difficult for me to fight the urge.

We were already separated but our surroundings we’re whispering in both of our ears causing more tensions and disconnect between us. I had walked away from the relationship because I did not want it turn out toxic like my ex-husband’s relationship where I parent on my own with no communication since all he would do was trigger and belittle me so now my son has no male figure. He was also emotionally harming my son in the process. I have to protect my children at all cost even from me if need be.

I tried to avoid this at all cost with the babies father. But with my mental illness being unstable my emotions we’re sky high and I was extremely hurt as a person and as the mother of his child. I vented about past situations where he made bad decisions that affected my children and myself to our friends that we were staying with and they were playing us against each other. We went from being happy and ok in a matter of 2-3 weeks of staying with them everything went downhill. By being off-balance on the wrong meds I wasn’t easy to deal with. This gave them the opportunity to place that wedge between us.

When I ended up in the psychiatric hospital I had a mental break. A chance to breathe without the extra stress. For me, that was a mini-vacation but in that time these friends we’re placing even more bugs in our ears driving that wedge even deeper. When I was released I expressed to him that his loyalty should have been with me instead of these ”friends”. Being the person he is he kept his silence and now we aren’t even friends. We barely communicate he walked away from us all.

Coparenting without friendship is hard since we have to get along for our child. She has a right to do things with both parents together not just one parent at a time. But unfortunately, we are not on the same page so these wishes aren’t and won’t come true.

He hasn’t even taken the time to see how my new medication has changed me in such a positive way. My depression isn’t what it was and my emotions are controlled. So my question is why should I be punished for the unbalanced me? Why should my children be punished for the unbalanced me?

We went through a lot in these last 3 years I am surprised I did not lose it or break down sooner than I did. We still have no place to live barely know where we are going to lay our heads every night but I am still holding it together. Shouldn’t that count for something? I mean I know for a fact because of my illness and my PTSD I am not easy but I deserve way more respect and support then I get from those that once claimed to love me.

I had to cut my family off since they were toxic for me but now it leaves just me and my kids stuck with no one on our side. Why must we all pay for the unbalanced me?

I have to constantly remind myself that we got this!


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