I so love my children. They are my world and the main reason why I try so hard to keep it together, but I have to admit some days are harder than others. Parenting is not easy, but parenting with a mental illness is ten times harder.
Some days I sit here and I tell myself that I am a bad mom, or that my children deserve a better mother than myself. When they have their condition off whack and I try to parent I have to deal with their illness and mine, leaving me to walk on eggshells. I hate walking on eggshells but if I don’t parent my children then who will?
It’s just a struggle to not lose my cool with them or to not make them feel worthless like my mother did to me. At times I have to make sure my PTSD doesn’t kick in, and that I don’t turn into the same person that gave birth to me.
I don’t even pop my children due to the fact that I was abused by my mother growing up. It did nothing but scare me even more and make me feel even more worthless than I had already felt growing up. I also know that due to my PTSD and my other mental illness issues I can become so angry that I blackout. I never want my children to be at the end of that blackout. Hey, if I am honest that is another reason why I don’t even allow myself to get into a physical altercation with anyone as well.
This road is hard harder than I ever thought it would be. I do have amazing children, but they are always at each other since their conditions clash with each other. Hearing them go back and forth drains me and I feel like they are sucking out all of my energy while doing it. I try to talk and sometimes it works but other times it places them in a negative space that I have to fight so hard to get them out of. It’s like damned if I do and damned if I don’t I just can’t find a way to win this battle.
They are worth me finding a way to win this battle without losing my sanity in the process. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.