What Am I Doing?

I just had to walk my 18-year-old off the mental ledge. It doesn’t get any easier for me when I have to do this. It leaves me mentally, physically, and emotionally drained but that’s the least of my problems.

My biggest problem and concern is making sure that I don’t say anything to escalate the situation. Sometimes my bipolar gets triggered and my outburst can cut like a knife. Mind you I’m not intending for this to happen but being honest I am a parent with her mental health illness trying to keep her child safe and alive. This task is not simple for me at all since I have to watch not only what I say, how I say it but I also have to watch the way I respond period. Facial expressions, body language, tone, hand motions, etc. I think you get my point.

This for me is very hard not only am I bipolar, but I also have PTSD, OCD, and anxiety. These all get together and what I think is a soft gentle delivery turns out to be these harsh deep cutting words. I can’t afford for that to happen. If I fail or make one wrong decision move etc not only can I get triggered but I can then lose one of my heartbeats. Everything depends on me and how I deal with this situation at hand.

I have to admit I almost lost but thank God for my mother’s intuition kicking in. I was able to pause and turn it all around. Everything dark for her now has turned light. Allowing me to breathe so that I can work on mending my baby girl. I had to call out of work. I’m working towards a support position which is permanent and better pay. I’m not supposed to miss time but I’m sorry my kids are my everything I am here and me because of them. I had to make sure that she was and is okay.

So needless to say we are now spending some family time by watching some movies and drawing together. Anything to make the better parts of me happy. I just needed someone to dump this mental load on. Thanks for being that someone. Much ❤️.


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