It is so hard being a mom who has to fight to keep her own mental health together. It is harder while dealing with two children that have their own mental illness going on. Then I have to keep the only one sane. The baby who’s not a baby since she’s 2, happy and normal while praying it skips her. I can’t snap on my children like a regular parent can. Thanks to my bipolar which gets triggered real quick I have to walk on eggshells because I tend to cut not meaning to when things aren’t how they’re supposed to be. I know being a parent, in general, is hard. I love being a mom more than anything. I just hate knowing that my children are dealing with a lot because they got it from me.
I just wish the journey wasn’t as hard as it is. I will stress this and not be tired of stressing it. I love being a mother my children really are my world. I just wish they did not have to deal with the things that they have to deal with. If something happens or goes south. The first thing my mind runs to is it is all my fault. I brought them into this world they have their mental illness because of me. I know that yes, they have some things because of me, but I do know that my oldest has some from her donor’s side. For the other two, there isn’t anything written on paper. The middle one his donor’s family does not believe in mental health issues so I am not sure. For the last one, well, as I said in my YouTube video mental health recognizes mental health. I will leave it at that.
Even with my mind knowing all of this it still does not matter. I will take full blame and feel like the worst mother in the world. I grew up without assistance for the things I needed help with. I never really had the support I should have as an only child, but it’s actually deeper than that just too much to go into right now. With all of this kept in mind, my mental health will still go in on me hard without caring about any of the above information.
If I am not cautious, this can take me very close to the ledge to the point that I can lose focus on what I can lose. I have to focus on how it can affect my children. Most parents don’t really have to focus on who will raise their children if something happens to them. I have to constantly make sure this is updated and covered because I have an illness that can sneak up at any time and it can cause serious damage. This is not okay because it added pressure and stress to me. Stress that I really don’t need.
I love being a mom and even though the road is hard I wouldn’t trade it. Just hate mental illness and how it can affect everyone’s life from the past, present, and future. I just know that no matter what I have to always remind myself that I got this. I so want to create a Facebook group so that we can support each other and remind each other no matter what we got this!!