Feeling Useless

There are so many days that I struggle with the negative changes that my body is putting me through that it drives me emotionally insane. I do such a fantastic job until I fall apart wearing these mask-like things that are not gravy, knowing that is not the case.
Then something happens that makes me feel horrible for not having legs for needing help from others since they have working legs and I don’t. Being in a wheelchair is very frustrating and irritating because it constantly reminds me of what I can no longer do. I literally can’t say, “You know what never mind I’ll do it myself.” It is a horrible feeling since it’s a constant reminder that I no longer have control of my life, pretty much not by my choice.
The crazy part that blows my mind is the scenarios where my loved ones, especially my children, make me feel like an immense burden when I ask for their assistance. I won’t even ask for something to eat or drink to burden them at times.
Don’t get me wrong, I know they are children and will do what most children at their age do by being defiant, but this becomes too much to handle at times. It makes the pain hurt even more since it comes from my loved ones who see my pain raw and firsthand.
I cannot say the things I want to say since my two oldest have autism and mental health. I know it is autism that doesn’t allow them to realize what they are doing and how they are making me feel. I’ve tried to explain small pieces to my oldest to see if it would work, and it doesn’t work no matter what I try.
Instead, my daughter takes it as if she is the problem, and no matter what she does, she won’t get it right. Beba feeling this way then makes me feel like a horrible mom because her condition gets triggered, and I have to stop my emotions. By eliminating my feelings, I can place Beba first. By doing this, my feelings continue to get boxed up, which we all know can later turn into a disaster.
These things and other daily living essentials make me feel useless, increasing my stress level. I mean, it’s hard when you want to get up and get things done, but when you try, your legs have other plans for you. How can I not feel useless at the time or maybe even all of the time?
Welcome to my world and a few things that run through my mind during the most random times, especially these unexpected emotions.
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