I’ve been in tremendous pain. While focused on the pain itself, I failed to realize what was going on with my mental health. I am slowly falling into a depression. I think staying in bed though good for my legs due to the injury from falling a few weeks back, which I am really paying for it now. It is not suitable for my mental health. Granted, I am still attempting to get work done as best as I can from the bed, which, may I say, is not any more comfortable than sitting in the wheelchair in pain.
I was working to a certain degree on my platforms and the shop. I can’t do any nails while in bed since all my supplies are at my desk. This, in turn, makes it hard for me to create new products for our store if I can’t create new nail sets in bed. This makes it frustrating since I never know what I will create until I am in the moment. I like to let my emotions and mind take over. My creative side was turned off and shut down for years by the women who gave me birth. I am trying to tune back into my creative side, so I try to just live in the moment when working on them. I love the way I feel when I zone in on my creation, it’s like I leave this room altogether; that feeling is fantastic.
The last time I tried to draw for the stickers, we will start working on it once we get into a better location to live where I feel comfortable pulling out my expensive circuit. I clamp up. I, for some reason, go back to that little girl that loved expressing herself in her art just to have a mother that didn’t appreciate it or acknowledge it. She didn’t encourage me in anything I wanted to do.
She would allow me to do them but would then criticize me or make me feel like I was no good at it. I would feel so little while trying to complete the task, give the bare minimum until the end, or give up. I am trying to get that spark back. The last time I checked, I was not there yet, but it has been a while, so that may be something I might try this week coming up. I am in my chair today, but the way I feel, I will have to be in my bed tomorrow, maybe even on Sunday.
I should use that time to get my feet going into this situation I have going on with my creative side deciding to stay dead/scared or whatever it calls itself doing within me. The sooner I can get myself back to that little girl that loved expressing herself with her art. The quicker I can find a happier place for myself. It may be a big piece of me that I’ve realized low key that I was missing but didn’t realize I was missing something.
I hope that makes sense. It’s like those who feel empty but don’t know why the empty feeling is there or where it comes from. I at least have an answer to my mystery. I rather know to have something to work on to get better than not know. Then how do I fix the situation when I don’t see the problem? I am so glad I see the problem from the depression and that I am mainly in bed, not being as productive as I would like to be. To my creative side, needing some assistance with feeling comfortable coming out.
The problem is known now that it is time to start working on the solution. I will get myself where I need to be with my creative side. I see my creative side come out when I do my makeup. I know my creativity is there; I just have to find it for my drawing. This is an area that I am affected in more than the others. I will get past it as I have with other things, especially when I put my mind to it. I just have to believe in myself like never before. I got this!
Parenting with Mental Illness - Mom and Children 