The struggle has been real for me in so many ways mentally and emotionally but not how I am accustomed too. I am not sure how to process these new methods I guess I can say. I am used to faking it until I make it or suppressing it until I forgot all about it or it was no longer a problem or my problem at least lol. There is just one little issue in this new method it involves me no longer faking it until I make it for my feelings and emotions are just as valid as the next person no matter who they are. I really use to take putting others before me to heart since I didn’t matter as much as they did.
Crazy to think that for so many years I lived my life this way having my little meltdowns on my own with no one to speak to. Keeping all of my thoughts to myself no matter how hurt, angry, sad, etc I felt I wouldn’t express it if they pertained to me but I would go to war for those I loved. I took no shit when it came to my loved ones I was like a firecracker. If I could be honest with you I was afraid of my own mouth since I suffered from that condition diarrhea of the mouth. I use to think this was an excuse people use to say when I was a kid growing up.
Until I became an adult and my mental illness started to show its head more in its own way. I noticed that if I was really angry and pushed to the edge no matter how much I tried to keep my thoughts in my head. And I could swear that I was not moving my lips but reality would slap me in the face when I would see the other person’s facial expression or hear their response letting me know that what I thought were my inner thoughts somehow just slipped right out of my mind the moment that I was thinking it.
With that being said I promised myself the moment I started living in my truth in January 2021 that I wouldn’t silence myself and that I would matter to me even if I didn’t matter to anyone else. I am placing myself first so that I can be the best me for myself and then for those that matter to me the most. So with all of these new changes I have implemented within my mindset I’ve seen changes in how I now deal with stress, depression, anxiety, etc. I am still learning these new ways so these emotions can creep up on me throwing me off at times and making me wonder why I feel this way?
Then I have a moment of clarity and get ready to ride the wave out of that emotional situation. I can say that my stress level is not what it use to be and I refuse to allow others to rock my health for what it affects my body now in ways that I care not to have to deal with. I want to have the ability to move voe my limbs or speak without a stutter these are a few of the issues I deal with. I no longer give others the power especially when they do not deserve to affect me in any way. I am proud of the progress I am making. I am a work in progress but I am working on it and that there is what really matters!