Just Brain Dumping…

I still find myself struggling to do the day-to-day of just waking up let alone being productive like creating content or adulting. Especially adulting right now seems to be a big struggle for me and I would like to emphasize the word big. I know the things I should be getting done not just for content but in general it’s the lack of energy or desire to get them done where some of the problems lie. I am not sure where the rest of it falls and I don’t have the energy to even pretend to care.

It doesn’t help that my environment is a big cause of my depression or my situation period. Normally I go a day or two where I can’t see a solution or a light in the darkness. I then talk myself out of it or I just take a second to appreciate my three blessings and realize that it could be worse. I hold on to the three things that keep me pushing the most to always find ways to get us back on our feet. In the past, before the little one, it was easier to just go pick up extra shifts, get a second job, or do whatever I needed to get us on our feet.

I had my physical abilities to do so in the past and my mental abilities back then were way better than they are now. If I would have taken the time to not only be the best mom I could be which I was doing by placing my babies first but I forgot to include myself in that list. Knowing what I know now I would have taken the time to take care of myself as well especially mentally instead of thinking I had to be a wonderful mom.

This depression has me feeling guilty about decisions and actions made in the past that may have affected my physical or mental abilities now. I find myself struggling more and more now with anxiety or panic attacks than I’ve ever had in the past. My ability to handle situations or stress has changed but I find myself being worried more about the things I can’t control. I don’t want to add to my plate smh I want to alleviate my plate some since it has unnecessary food that I do not like or plan to consume.

Once I think I am getting a handle or an understanding of myself and my conditions that are with me twenty-four seven even if I don’t want them to be. Something else pops up or shows its little face making it hard to do the usual to get by or function barely but still functioning. I not only have to deal with whatever is going on but learn how to function with it at the same time and be depressed. Yay sounds so much fun doesn’t it in reality, it isn’t fun at all. It sucks leaving me even more lost than me trying to figure this depression or whatever it is out.

Maybe it isn’t a depression maybe it is something different like I am just tired of being tired or I just don’t have answers right now. Who knows what it is all I know is that I am trying to find the positive while finding a way out of what seems so impossible. Which is making the possible seem so impossible. I am still not seeing a solution and I still am unable to find a solution. Whatever this is needs to get it together its blocking my light!


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