Venting My Annoying Emotions…

The thing that gets me the most about being a member of the mental health community is the inconsistency between ourselves and what we do. It annoys my soul, yet I’ve been working hard for years to not let it be a factor. Just for it to be such a significant factor now when I don’t need it to be the most. I woke up knowing I had to go to court so that the wave I was riding yesterday was gone.

Let’s rewind a little. I had an Opening The Relationship conversation with a potential client helping me complete this step for my certification. When she booked the session, I told myself I was doing great at coaching my current practice client for certification. The second practice client starts tomorrow, and it’s for certification again. I got this, and I am ready to start taking paying clients. Twentyseven minutes into the session and I booked my 1st client.

I was floating on cloud nine. I really thought I had heard wrong. It is crazy how you go in with so much confidence and doubt yourself in the middle of it. Just to find out that you secured the client and can breathe. Taking this person as my first paying client couldn’t be a better person. I can see the growth way before it even happens. As long as they put the work in, they will succeed, grow and be present daily with ease.

I was so proud of myself when we set up the next session and agreed on the final details. I felt like I could breathe for the first time since that morning. It had been a busy day, from a coaching session with my practice client to this potential client’s session and then my Wednesday night training call. I had and have a lot to prepare for with my new client. When I went to bed, I was happy.

Fast forward to now, and I am so stressed out and tired. I am happy that I will no longer have to go to court for this situation. It wasn’t a significant factor in my life, but I can only imagine how the person whose case it was felt after all this time. I was just ready for this to end. Moving around has become more complex and more complicated. I almost did not make it to court. If they didn’t pay for a handicap-accessible taxi to pick me up and drop me off, there was no way I was making it to court.

I believe the anxiety I felt about this was the first time I ever rode anywhere as a passenger in my wheelchair. Since the new wheelchair arrived, we haven’t even gone to the store in it. It is two hundred pounds heavier than the loaner wheelchair I had. My daughter would struggle to get it back in the door since the room is not wheelchair accessible. I had tried to be prepared mentally for all of today’s activities.

Guess they drained me more than I thought they did, especially when my mood goes from one extreme to the next. I know I woke up with anxiety in the middle of the night, all because I had to use my wheelchair outside this room and ride in a taxi. I get anxious waiting for rides. It triggered my PTSD from past experiences when I was left waiting in the rain or snow for my ride to show up. This has happened in with at least four different people in my life.

They were not reliable when it came to my schedule or my needs. It wasn’t a priority on the person’s list if I had somewhere to be. The more frequent it would happen, the higher the anxiety. It has gotten even to the point that I don’t trust myself to not let me down, lol. That’s when you know things are wrong because you are already with yourself. The one person you should always trust or count on is you!

Having an up day yesterday and a down day today leaves me wondering what will tomorrow hold. It is draining to flip-flop from one side of the scale to the other at the drop of a hat. That is another reason I am doing much better with this now than in the past. I wouldn’t have acknowledged or even noticed the flip-flop on the scale in the past.

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